JFK Airport - Oct 5, 2012

the truth is, it's all really a blur.

i remember sitting in the office, talking with Josh about possible vacation dates, and not really having anything prepared -- no thought put into one idea over another. 

did i even have ideas?

my eyes welled up with tears when i thought of everything that transpired over the last 6 months. 

paul... my teeth; the condo; renovations; court dates; the tri's; work woe's; uncertainty of my job status... my eyes... my anger.  and him...

everything had been fairly well managed by that point, except the 2 things i had completely no control over: my eyes, and paul.                                 ignore paul.

and my eyes, well, they're going to do what they do, i guess. 

but the anger and frustration is still there, if i look deep enough inside me. why me?

christopher said he went through the angry, and 'why me' phase. i feel like the luckiest person alive to have been able to sit and talk with him.

and that was just last night.

i think about his diagnosis, so often...

and i know it too is a contributing factor to where i'm at today. 

A L S

[triangle, square, circle] 

encompassing every shape.

encompassing every-thing.

together, the ugliest letters of the alphabet. 

i'm embarrassed now knowing that i welled up in front of him last night. ashamed that i seemed so weak for him. i can't imagine what he's going through, and i don't know that i'd have the strength or the heart to do it: to visit; to talk about it.  

he said he decided to travel the world when he found out.  smart. travelism... 

i realised at that moment, maybe only 12 hours ago, that i have a guide for this journey.

this journey, my new journey, is for christopher.   

"if october is the best time for me to take vacation, then i'm going to Spain. i want to do a pilgrimage."

how did i know i wanted that? did i? was i just trying to fool josh and myself for sounding so confident?

he looked in my eyes: "why?"
        [did josh really say that? am i only thinking he asked?]

i remembered saying it from deep in my stomach - somewhere so deep within, i couldn't even be sure it could be heard out loud.

because, i need to heal. 

            and i want to be alone to do it. 

and because i want to do it. 

             for me to clear up my headspace. 

                         to regain my focus... to heal.

and here i am, one month later, sitting at JFK, waiting for my flight to Madrid. i have an idea for a train that will take me to Irún.

23 days

no knowledge of the language. no agenda. no real destination.                   just 23 days...

 

Travelism 101

It's true. The Mayans can't be wrong. But if the end is nigh, I feel alright.

The best place to begin: the end. 
It is now one day and one hour before the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world (as we know it), so I figure it's a pretty good time to start writing. And in true araba form, I'm starting at the end, and working my way backwards. In true d form, I'm need to counter that with a quick preface of a story that happened, eons ago...

In true zeta form, it'll all come together in the end.
it always does...

(originally written in winter 2007/08)

COMMUNISM VS. RETAILISM
-or-
THE RETAILIST WAY

"i have... i've been to graceland. [short pause] 3 times."

blank, then questionable stares return my gaze. i could read the question on sheils' lips, but it was gags who actually voiced his concern: 

"why?" 

but i'll tell you that story another time... 

My current situation leaves much to be desired, and - or rather, but...

much to the imagination.

I look at the state of politics throughout the world, and wonder: how,,, why is there war? There is logically no reason or necessity for bloodshed and hatred - the world should be utopic by this day and age.

       And then

I see the faces of the people who walk in, and the realisation sinks in. War, strife, famine, greed, ogliarchy - capitalism - it's alive, well, and manifested in the heart of retail.

(ouch. a harsh realisation for a glorious sunday afternoon)               But it's true. 

       Why? WHY!?

What makes one person better than another? 

Here, in retailism, it's the mighty dollar. The dollar rules. The dollar wins. The more dollars you have, the more superior you are enabled to feel - retailism demands this as it's first law. A commandment of sorts, because retailism, too, is a god-fearing entity.

So how is my world hypocritically a vision of utopia? Because despite working for the devil, my world is seen through the rose-coloured glasses of TRAVELISM.

Tra-vûl-iz-im: a conspiracy amongst those who travel in search of experience, and not just alcohol-induced sex on a beach, that the world is actually a place to be explored and discovered for it's beauty and culture. followers of travelism are known for their annoyingly pleasant demeanour, their ability to wear the same clothes more than once on a single trip, and a facial glitch that causes them to twist the outer edges of their mouths in an upward 'u' shape, also known as 'smiling'. 

With travelism, the dollar is not the law. True, the dollar can buy you some comforts, but travelism demands conversation and interaction; an understanding of culture and history... of humanity. In travelism, we are all united and equal. We share the common bond of adventure and a thirst for knowledge mentality. We are all bound to the laws of the unusual, because everything is "not how it's done where I come from". 

And that's why here, in the heart of travelism, your dollars mean squat.