JFK Airport - Oct 5, 2012

the truth is, it's all really a blur.

i remember sitting in the office, talking with Josh about possible vacation dates, and not really having anything prepared -- no thought put into one idea over another. 

did i even have ideas?

my eyes welled up with tears when i thought of everything that transpired over the last 6 months. 

paul... my teeth; the condo; renovations; court dates; the tri's; work woe's; uncertainty of my job status... my eyes... my anger.  and him...

everything had been fairly well managed by that point, except the 2 things i had completely no control over: my eyes, and paul.                                 ignore paul.

and my eyes, well, they're going to do what they do, i guess. 

but the anger and frustration is still there, if i look deep enough inside me. why me?

christopher said he went through the angry, and 'why me' phase. i feel like the luckiest person alive to have been able to sit and talk with him.

and that was just last night.

i think about his diagnosis, so often...

and i know it too is a contributing factor to where i'm at today. 

A L S

[triangle, square, circle] 

encompassing every shape.

encompassing every-thing.

together, the ugliest letters of the alphabet. 

i'm embarrassed now knowing that i welled up in front of him last night. ashamed that i seemed so weak for him. i can't imagine what he's going through, and i don't know that i'd have the strength or the heart to do it: to visit; to talk about it.  

he said he decided to travel the world when he found out.  smart. travelism... 

i realised at that moment, maybe only 12 hours ago, that i have a guide for this journey.

this journey, my new journey, is for christopher.   

"if october is the best time for me to take vacation, then i'm going to Spain. i want to do a pilgrimage."

how did i know i wanted that? did i? was i just trying to fool josh and myself for sounding so confident?

he looked in my eyes: "why?"
        [did josh really say that? am i only thinking he asked?]

i remembered saying it from deep in my stomach - somewhere so deep within, i couldn't even be sure it could be heard out loud.

because, i need to heal. 

            and i want to be alone to do it. 

and because i want to do it. 

             for me to clear up my headspace. 

                         to regain my focus... to heal.

and here i am, one month later, sitting at JFK, waiting for my flight to Madrid. i have an idea for a train that will take me to Irún.

23 days

no knowledge of the language. no agenda. no real destination.                   just 23 days...